Monday, August 15, 2011

apples for throwing.

Listening To: Bluer by Over The Rhine
Watched: The Help, two days after I finished the book. I would like to write more about both, because I thought they were both incredible, but I'm not sure I can write it right. I don't even know where to start. I'll let it simmer for a while and then try.

Hey friends! Hope you're weekend was mad-gorgeous. And mad-breezy. There were no breezes here. Not much wind at all, in fact. I'm convinced that it's so hot, even the sky can't breathe. I think even the wind is too tuckered out to blow. The grass is brown. The plants are droopy. This is the time of year we affectionately refer to as "hot as blazes."
I gave a new pair of jeans an inaugural wear this weekend - they're skinny jeans, not jeggings (Have we talked about how much I dislike the word "jeggings"?). Matchstick jeans, you might say. Anyhow, I wore them, and by the time I was on the road home again, I came to the conclusion that the denim must made of kryptonite. The sun coming through the glass at just the right angle had me convinced that the fabric was made of metal and fire.
I thought about trying to take them off in the car but I think there are laws against that. And it's not like I had shorts or a skirt to change into, so that would have made the mad dash from my car to my house wonderfully awkward. Also, it would have been wonderfully awkward if I'd been pulled over for swerving or something.
I picture it this way:
Cop: "Miss ... do you realize you were swerving all over the road back there?"
Me: "Yes." *holds up pants* "It's 'cause this denim is made of volcanic ash and it was melting me."
I'm guessing it wouldn't have gone over very well.
(Can you picture Heidi Klum saying, "Designers, today you will design a head-to-toe look made of molten lava. Wow us!")
So my new pants were forged from the fires of Mordor, but they're cute, so they're worth it. I survived them. On Sunday, I wore them again when Mama and I decided to drive over to a local apple orchard to see if any new apples were out.
By which I mean: Mom wanted to drive to the orchard and look for new apples. I wanted to drive to the Orchard because they sell apple fritters in the bakery, and those things are the stuff of dreams.

I was asking the lady who works there about pie apples, because I've noticed everybody has a different pie apple they prefer. Quite honestly, I'm a very traditional apple pie kind of girl. I like Granny Smith apples in my pies - and that's it - because they retain a little bit of texture and the tart-part fades to the perfect sort of sweetness. I like the uniformity of the apples. Apple Pie is not the place for individuality amongst the apples. I can't get down with mushy apples in my pie. I tried once. Back when I made the Apple Tartin, I followed the recipe closely (which called for different varieties of apples). But it made me sad to bite into something that was a shape of an apple slice and taste only apple-gel. I don't play those games.
But I know folks like softer apples in pies, or who mix all different kinds. A friend of mine, who is awesome, has one particular kind of apple she puts in her pies. And so I asked the apple lady about that kind of apple.
And the lady said: "Those are too hard. Ain't good for nothing except chcuking 'em at people you can't stand."
So I asked for two bags.
Kidding. Mostly.
Of course, when the apple lady said those apples were the chucking sort, I did not immediately smile as I imagined chucking apples at certain individuals. Of course I didn't do that. And, if I did throw apples, I wouldn't throw the apples in such a way that they would actually injure pesky someones. I would throw gently. Mostly. ("Dobby didn't mean to kill anyone. Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure.")
I want to buy bags of The Chucking Apples on Halloween. I want to put a sign at the end of my driveway that reads: "Yell Trick-or-Treat from ---> This Line."
And I'll leave a helmet or hardhat or something for the trick-or-treater to wear. A Storm Trooper helmet! And I'll also have another sign that says, "Duck." And I'll stand on the porch and throw The Chucking Apples.
Of course, we all know that if I throw apples from the porch, even apples with appropriate aerodynamics for chucking, they'll land approximately two feet from my foot. So I might have to get an apple launcher. A catapult! And I'll invite my two bff's over and we'll sit on the porch and drink hot cocoa and launch apples. Maybe over the years, we'll build a reputation. And someday kids will be like, "Don't go near that house! Old Lady Lloyd's got a catapult."
Pondering the Chucking Apples helped me remember one of my dad's favorite sayings. I haven't heard him bust this phrase out in a while, but he used to say it all the time:
How 'bout them apples?
"How bout them apples" is interchangeable with "Well whatdayaknow?" and "That's just how it is."
Usage: "Tennessee just hired a new football coach. How 'bout them apples?" Also, "You can't watch Full House until you clean your room. How 'bout them apples?"
I don't even know if anybody else says that, ever. But it's one of my favorite phrases of all time and always.
*chucking apple launches* "Yeah, how 'bout them apples?"
"Ma'am, do you realize you were swerving all over the road back there?"
"Yes. These pants are made of volcanic ash and they were melting me." *shrugs* "How 'bout them apples?"
Apples. They give you fiber. They give you pie. They give you courage.
My question to you: who would you like to throw apples at today? JUST KIDDING DON'T ANSWER THAT.
My real question to you: What's your favorite way to eat an apple?
I hope you have a happy Monday. I hope no apple chucking is required. ; )


  1. I'm a staunch supporter of only Granny Smith in apple pies. Any other sort is just too soft, mushy, or sweet. Granny Smith all the way ;)

    I would like to throw apples at the TWENTY students who signed up for the photography class I want to take, which, incidentally, only has space for 16.

    My answer to the real question:

    -apple pie
    -apple crisp
    -very thinly sliced with peanut butter
    -fresh pressed cider

    I love apples because they're so autumn-like. My experience of apples in the fall are fond memories. Last year we pressed fresh cider. We've been going to an orchard for the past three years. I love making memories like that.

    Imagine Heidi Klum saying, "Designers, today you will design a garment made entirely out of apples. Good luck!"


  2. I can't get over how simply you write, yet your posts contain to much wittiness! :D You're the best Natalie. I definetly laughed at your apple tales, if not souly based on the way you explained everything!

  3. Oh my goodness. I just might have to steal the idea of apple chucking on Halloween. And no offense but, "Old Lady Lloyd" just has a nice ring to it.

    The image of chucking apples sounds extremely appealing to me, not because I have anyone in particular I want to throw them at, but because I can't get the image of Anne Shirley throwing apples at Gilbert out of my head (and I'm not even sure that actually happened but it sure sounds like something she'd do), or the scene in Ever After where Drew Barrymore beats the prince with apples without knowing it's him.

    My first favorite is apples with caramel, and then with peanut butter, and then just eating one whole, the same way my grandfather used to eat tomatoes. ;)

  4. Quartered, peanut butter spread liberally, a drizzle of honey. Of course, on Granny Smith apples. The more tart, the better.

    P.S. Old Lady Lloyd sounds like a cool newgrass band. I call dibs on the name!


  5. Apple pie will always be my favorite apple delicacy... with apples sliced and dipped in peanut butter or caramel a close second ;]

  6. this post was SO funny. my sister makes a very yummy apple tart. but have you ever had apples covered in cinnamon and suger, like before they go into a pie, but they're still all crunchy and tart, wow it's good.
    oh, and i still wanna here your thoughts on DH part 2!!!

  7. I don't really prefer one type of apple over another. Or maybe that's because I can't tell them apart. :) My favorite way to eat apples is apple pie. I love, love, love apple pie. I also like apples sliced with caramel dip, but it's been a long time since I've had that. Unfortunately.


  8. I also loved The Help. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I am dying to!

    I love skinny jeans! I only have one pair right now. It's a good thing there are social norms against wearing the same pants every day because if there weren't, I'd be wearing them every. day.

    i could totally imagine heidi klum saying that. haha.

    i love that you quoted dobby at the end of your paragraph about throwing apples at people because earlier in that same paragraph, when you said, "I imagined chucking apples at certain individuals," I thought of Ron, Harry, or Hermione taking the liberty of throwing a perfectly hard, shiny, red apple at Draco Malfoy's face.

    My favorite way to eat an apple? Apple pie, by far. It's so, so good!

    This post made me laugh all through. I love all your posts, for their humor and because you write fabulously, but I think this one has been the funniest of the ones I've read.

  9. This post was so witty and refreshing! I laughed outloud a few times!
    My favorite way to eat an apple is right off the tree. Sadly, the apple orchard near my house does not let you pick your own apples anymore. However, my favorite memory of that place when I was young was carefully walking through the many rows of trees (always on the lookout for the perfect apple), putting an apple in the bag then an apple in the mouth. Repeat. You're covered in apple juice, quite full of apples by the end of the day, but a stomach ache caused by too many fresh apples seems to me to be the best kind to have.

  10. This was a fantastic entry! Love how it was about a pair of jeans and apples AND was totally interesting and funny. NOt that your not always interesting and funny but ya get what I mean.
    My fav apples are Eve Apples , like for eating. And not sure for cooking or for pies. (Dont really make apple pies in NEw Zealand).
    Anyway you rock Nat!
    Bless you

  11. Ps I didnt answer the question haha. My fav way to eat apples is to cut it into quarters. Simple but easier I find than just biting into it. I kinda wanna apple now to be honest..
    Oh another way I eat apples is in a cake called Spiced Apple Cake. Dead easy to make. Credibly tasty!
    I should blog the recipe actually. There is a photo on my twitter HannahIta16 :)