Friday, June 19, 2009

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's ... kenny.

Currently Listening To: Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town by The Killers

I'm sure, at some point, you'll find yourself on the answering end of this question:

"If you had a superpower, what would it be?"

Some people say they want to fly. And flying would be fabulous, I agree. My best friend once told me she wanted to be invisible so she could follow people around and trip them (this is why we are friends). I knew a guy who wished he could read people's minds (this does not sound fun to me). And that is all well and good. But. If I could choose a superpower, it would be this:

I would have the ability to point and make someone look like a version of Kenny Rogers.
Allow me to elaborate: for awhile I went to grad school in Dallas. Dallas is a fun city. It has a sparkly skyline that takes my breath away and it has a Chipotle (several Chipotles, in fact). Hear me out you sweet Texans: you are fabulous. You are kind, loud, and fun and you have Diet Dr. Pepper on tap at restaurants (win!). I like you, just not your traffic. Dallas has the most horrific traffic in which I have ever been stuck*. Not only does Dallas have bad traffic, but the badness level makes even good drivers go bad. Horns honk in a grating urban symphony while you nudge, bump, and shove your way into the lane you need to be in. People are not afraid to hit your car, swerve in front of you, or cut you off. Dallas traffic is like something between a loud concert (where people wave middle fingers instead of lighters) and a sick fair ride. No fun. So one day, while I was stuck in Dallas traffic, I came up with a way to cope.

As I don't flip people off, and I try not to say words that sound completely unconvincing when they come out of my mouth anyway, I devised a "super power" for myself. I decided, if I had the ability, I would simply point to the person who cut me off and POOF. The Gambler. And even though I don’t actually have this power, sometimes just glaring, and pointing and pretending I do ...well, it helps me relax. Enjoy the ride. Laugh to myself.
The Offender would not become an exact replica of Kenny, of course. Just a version of Kenny. They would get the white hair, the beard, the stache, the slight warble in their voice when they sang along with the radio. Consider it with me for a moment. It would be pretty hilarious, no? I don't want anyone hurt. I don't want the effects of my power to be too long lasting (I am using my power for good, after all). It would wear off in 24 hours. And I don't have a thing for Kenny Rogers**. He just seemed to fit my scheme.

I'm mentioning this to you because the traffic in my new city, my adorable, quirky little city, is ... not so good either. It's not like Dallas but there is a load of construction at the moment, so everyone is grouchy. I've wanted to use the Kenny finger a lot lately. (And the Kenny finger is not the flipper. So if you want to play along, you point with your index finger, or you are disqualified.)

Your turn: if you had a superpower, what would it be?

* I always change my mind when I drive through Atlanta. And then I go to Dallas and think, no. Dallas wins. And then I go to Atlanta and think, no ...
** But he does have some fun songs. And there are some fab remakes of his songs floating around now. If you're in the mood to surf, go to You Tube (or Pandora) and listen to "Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town" redone by The Killers. So so so good. That's the song I wanted Adam Lambert to sing on AI's country night. And then listen to Feist sing "Islands in the Stream." Brilliant.


  1. Comment number 1: You must make a footnote linking to the following article. Dallas recently ranked 2nd in the nation in cities with the worst road rage... see here for more info :)Made my day when I found out I wasn't just delusional about how terrible Dallas drivers are...

  2. please add a . between index.htm sorry had to type it in manually wouldn't let me copy/paste

  3. Comment Number 2.5: Using the Isabell Spellman numbering system here... since comment "2" isn't really a comment but a qualifier for comment number one... anyways sorry construction is bumming everyone out in beautiful TN.... the road rage survey may find dallas in number 1 next year after they've begun construction on a ten mile stretch of 635 right in the middle of town... five year expectancy on that project... hmm Maybe I'll have to use the patent Natalie finger poof.... Or maybe I'll continue talking randomly to cars when they frustrate me... I expect them to listen to my commands even though I know they cannot hear me ;)

  4. Does the ability to make decisions count as a superpower? Because if so, I'd choose that! And then the next time I'm asked this question, I'd be able to pick a fabulous superpower. Like yours.
    Although your friend's one - being invisible so as to trip people more adequately? Ingenious!

  5. I want to teleport. ASAP, please. I have two weddings next month across the country from each other in a span of two days and because of stupid distance issues I can only go to one. Also, if I could teleport, I would be able to move from sitting on the floor on my computer directly to lying on my bed without having to get up.

    Of course, I would also like the ability to point my finger and instantly have my room clean, a la Sabrina Spellman.

  6. I think if I could have a superpower, it would be to heal people. But I would also want the wisdom to know who to heal and when... Healing is a spiritual gift, which of course is better than a superpower, but I don't think it is one I have been given. It would also be cool to teleport- I definitely agree with Ashley! :)

  7. ps did you check out the new Christy Nockels cd yet? I love it and have been listening to it a LOT, which is distracting me from my listening assignments for my current summer class on music history from antiquity through 1750. oops :)

  8. Kaylene, your excellent link proves I'm not just being dramatic. Thank you ;) And for the record, your method of talking to drivers who tick you off is fabulous. It's as effective as the Kenny finger but feel free to partake anytime you want!

    Sarah, really any superpower that would be utterly pointless would be as awesome as mine. ;) I can help you think of one. You're welcome to walk around with my bff tripping people while invisible (which would be just as funny as Kenny) until you find something more entertaining.

    Ashley, the fact that you want to teleport from the floor to your bed makes my day! Really, teleportation would solve my traffic woes too, wouldn't it? I should have been thinking bigger. OH and if I could teleport, I would never be late for events. I really could leave a minute before and get somewhere on time. Smart!

    Abby, your superpower is so sweet! Way to bring this conversation back around :) I think teleporting is going to win the poll here. I can't imagine why none of you guys want to have The Kenny Power but whatever ... ;) Also, I DO have the Christy Nockles CD and I listen to it everytime I'm in my car. "Life Light Up" is incredible. I think I'm still partial to Brooke Fraser's "Hosana" but that's probably just because I heard it the longest ... and there's another song I listen to over and over but I can't remember the title ... anyway. Yes, it awesome. I sing along so loud. Everytime I hit a bump, and the CD player skips, I realize how bad my voice is and how amazing Christy's voice is :) BTW, your summer class sounds really interesting!

  9. Okay first off, you are one hard lady to track down in a Google search for you. Yes. I googled you. I loved your Brio Devotionals. And I now like your blog.

    This amuses me to no end. Because I know about driving in Dallas. And I like your idea. And... my dad looks like Kenny Rogers. Like really. He's had strangers come up and ask him for an autograph only to realize to late that it's not really him. And you very well could've done that to my dad IN DALLAS because he's an infuriating paw-paw driver.

    *adds you to my reader* :)